I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to work with “sex witch,” Isabella Frappier (as featured on episode three of goop labs) this month and oh my goodness has it been a ride. Working with her has quite literally been two years of therapy consolidated into a 4-week program. Part of the individualized plan she put together for me? A prescription for at least five minutes of solo pleasure time a day—sans vibrator. Sounds fun and easy, right? To an extent, yes…but also very much not.
It has led me to some serious mental, physical, and spiritual expansion, made me face and breakthrough some shadows, and most importantly, has allowed me to step into my divine feminine and feel comfortable embodying her. The experience has broadened my view of what pleasure really is, what sex really means, and how I can step into pleasure even in “normal” day-to-day life when I’m not touching myself. Because who couldn’t use more feel good parts of the day?
Let’s start at the beginning.
What did self-pleasure look like to me before this “experiment?”
Lying down before bed with my vibrator for 3-5 minutes. Not spending time stimulating anything but my clitoris. Having an orgasm and either moving on with my day or getting ready for bed. Sound familiar?
If it does, keep reading. If you’re like, “who are you?” You’re a psychopath!, give yourself some love, and also keep reading because I’ve changed. I’ve changed the time that I give myself, I’ve changed the way I touch myself, and I’ve learned what my erotic blueprint is, which has truly switched up my self-pleasure (and partner pleasure for that matter) game for the better.
Now I know you’re thinking okay, okay self-pleasure, yeah, but what in the world is sex magic?
I had the same question, so I had the lovely Isabella break it down for us all:
“I define ‘magic’ as the ability to shift consciousness at will. I define ‘sex’ as the pleasurable energy of Eros, and connection can be with yourself, a partner, or even the universe. So when combined, the definition of sex magic becomes the ability to shift erotic energy at will. Engaging and connecting in pleasure with a mindful purpose. Whether that purpose is to have a quick release of tension with yourself, manifest a new job opportunity, or connect more deeply with a lover’s soul. Sex magic is for everyone.”
The rules of the “game,” if you will?
Spend at least five minutes a day self-pleasuring.
These five plus minutes should be at a different time and in a different place than sex with myself would usually occur. The goal is to focus on minute by minute pleasureful, not orgasm. Orgasm isn’t important anymore. And of course, no vibrator—manual stimulation only.
What’s the point?
The purpose of this challenge was to encourage new pleasure neural pathways. To bring awareness and mindfulness to pleasure time. To spend time exploring my own body and what makes me feel good. And of course, to have fun!
All of this said, there is a time and a place for a quickie. But to give yourself a vibe-y quickie every time is to rob yourself of true pleasure and connection with self.
Truths that have come up for me so far in this journey
- I realized I prioritize partner sex over self-sex. I most definitely give a partner more than five minutes of my time. Why in the world was I not giving myself what I would expect from a partner?
- I honestly didn’t know how to make myself orgasm with just my fingers. It took time. And lots of trial and error and exploration.
- I’ve become aware of just how many factors there are when it comes to orgasms for people with vulvas. Some of these factors include where I am in my cycle, my mood, what I’ve done so far in my day, if I’ve moved my body, if I’m making noise during self-pleasure, what position I’m in, how I’m moving my pelvis, and more.
- I actually don’t mind porn, so long as it’s not from pornhub—but no shame if that’s what gets you going, more power to you! I also found that audio porn is more my pace and guided masturbation is way too much fun (and practically a form of meditation). Guided masturbation (offered on both Quinn and Dipsea) is also a lovely place to start if you don’t feel comfortable exploring your body alone or are having an ‘I don’t know what to do with my hands’ moment.
- I have definitely had days where self-pleasure felt like a chore. Sometimes, I snapped myself out of it and sometimes, I just pushed through a couple of minutes and called it a day, and that is totally okay!
- My need for searching outside of myself for sex/talk to fuck boys has dissipated. Can we get an “f*** yes, you go girl?!”
- My creativity has surged. Whether it’s the sexual frustration energy or simply me dropping into and embracing my yin, the world may never know, but I’m very into it. I’ve been painting more, writing more, and moving my body more to release the energy and allow myself to come (no pun intended) into flow.
So where am I now?
I’m about halfway through my journey and decided to share it with the collective. You can read my day to day entries here. As I started talking about this on my own personal platforms, I realized (a) how bizarre it is that we as a vulva holding collective were never taught to self-pleasure, (b) how many people always use a toy to self-pleasure—removing the awareness and magic portion of sex, and (c) how many in the collective simply didn’t know “what to do with their hands.” My goal with this is to cultivate conversation, remove vulva holding self-pleasure stigma, and empower everyone to get their pleasure on. I created a Tumblr for my “Her Pleasure Journey” project so that you can utilize the “ask me anything” button to quite literally ask me anything, completely anonymously.
P.S. when you start to bring awareness to your self-pleasure in bed, I guarantee you, you will start finding ways to bring pleasure into all daily activities in your life. It’s truly magic.