Ask Kait: How Can I Help My Male Partner Have Multiple Orgasms?
I always hear about females who can have multiple orgasms in a row, but I have male friends who are also multiorgasmic. How do I help my lover get there?
First of all, I love that you’re having these conversations with your friends! In my counseling practice, many clients tell me that their friends don’t talk about sex, so when issues arise it increases feelings of shame, like there’s something wrong with them. Plus, talking about sex with others opens you up to discover new depths of pleasure!
Secondly, has your partner expressed an interest in multiple orgasms? If you haven’t talked about it yet, stop reading here and go do that! Need some help getting the conversation started? We’ve got you covered.
Thirdly, I love that you see yourself as helping your partner to get there. We tend to talk about orgasms as things that are given to us, rather than something our bodies create that sometimes another person (or people) help us experience.
Every body is different
Since you’re already having these conversations with your friends, ask what works for them! Make a list, talk to your lover about what they’re open to and not, and start experimenting! Don’t stress if the first time doesn’t work out or feels awkward—just try, try again.
Honor the refractory period
After orgasm, everyone experiences what’s known as a refractory period. This is a time when getting aroused and having another orgasm is damn near impossible. How long the refractory period lasts, and how exactly it shows, up varies. Some people can’t get another erection. Others are sensitive to any touch. Some recover quickly. Others need a nap! Get to know your lover’s refractory period and what they need to help them stay in the mood.
Stay in touch
During the refractory period, keep the sexy talk and touch going, while avoiding areas that are too sensitive. This might look like switching to a sensual massage, making out, sharing an erotic fantasy, watching porn together, letting them pleasure you—the list goes on and on! The goal is to keep letting their brain and body know that it’s still sexy time.
Don’t worry about erections
Fun fact: people with penises do not need to have an erection to experience orgasm. Similarly, they don’t need to ejaculate to experience orgasm. The three processes mostly happen together but are, technically, separate. If they recover quickly, great. If not, no need to worry about them getting hard again.
Use the backdoor
For people with a prostate, that may be the key to unlocking their multiorgasmic potential. You can stimulate the prostate indirectly from outside the body or directly through the anus. Check out our guide to the prostate here.
Butt plugs, especially those with a downward curve, are a great option if you don’t want to use your hands or to help your lover advance from fingers to larger toys.
Set the Scene
Before you even get going, take some time to connect. Sit facing each other on the bed and take some deep breaths together while you look into each other’s eyes. If you feel called, name your intentions and hopes for this sexy time sesh.
Read more: Mindful Sex Tips
Focus on pleasure, not orgasm
For many people, focusing on orgasm makes it harder to experience them! If that starts to happen, shift the focus to both of you experiencing as much pleasure as possible, in the many ways your bodies can.
Any body can be multiorgasmic
These tips will help you get there—over and over again.
Author Bio Kait Scalisi, MPH, is an advocate for the revolutionary power of pleasure inside the bedroom and out. Through her public workshops, private counselling, and online platform Passion By Kait, she harnesses her science education, social justice insight, and radical empathy to empower folx to get more in tune with their bodies, discover what brings them pleasure, and integrate it into their lives and relationships in ways that are both practical and powerful. Learn more and find #freedominpleasure at PassionbyKait.com, Instagram and Twitter @PassionbyKait, and Facebook www.facebook.com/PassionbyKait.