Can I Be a Take-Charge Woman and Like Being Submissive in Bed?

S asks:

Can I be a take-charge woman and also like being submissive in bed?


The short answer? Absofuckinglutely!

If you want more detail, read on.

What you like in bed doesn’t necessarily have any bearing on who you are as a person. It can, but the relationship isn’t as direct as popular media (cough, 50Shades, cough) makes it out to be. For example, some research suggests that individuals who abhor boredom and those who seek out “varied, novel, complex and intense sensations and experiences,” are more likely to be attracted to a dominant partner. Most take-charge women—myself included!—fall into that category.

Being submissive in bed doesn’t mean you want to be submissive in your relationship or anywhere else

It doesn’t not mean that either. And being submissive in any one area of your life doesn’t mean that you can’t also be take charge in other parts.

Any combination of being submissive and take-charge is totally normal.

We all have lots of different parts of our personalities. Taking on a different persona in the bedroom can be freeing and fun (pssst—it’s why we wrote you a guide to sexy role play)! It gives you a chance to explore a part of yourself that maybe doesn’t get as much play time.

Being able to surrender and receive is priceless

Anecdotally speaking, the take-charge women I know also aren’t the best at receiving, whether that’s gifts, compliments, or anything else. Being submissive in bed lets you practice this dismissed but oh-so-valuable skill.

Doing so can deepen trust and intimacy with your partner(s) and friends. It can help you practice feeling your feels, whether that’s the fear of letting go, or vulnerability at being so you with someone else, or endless pleasure—and everything in between. Being able to do all this lets you move through the world more whole, more self-actualized, and with more ease. In other words: letting go helps you kick more ass, just like taking a break makes you more productive!

You’re still in charge

My kinky and dom friends and colleagues are fond of saying it’s the sub who’s really in charge. You’ve (hopefully) talked about your likes and dislikes, and which sex acts you are and aren’t willing to do. You have the power—and hopefully a safe word—to slow-down or stop.

Choosing to submit puts you in charge of your desires and pleasure, and often helps people feel more powerful. But you do so without having to make on-the-spot decisions or direct someone where to go. If that’s not freedom in pleasure, I don’t know what is!

Being submissive in bed can be an act of self-care

Being a take-charge women in today’s world is fucking exhausting. We still do the majority of the housework on top of killing it at work, maintaining friendships, pursuing hobbies, and practicing self-care. We’re in control so much of the time (thankfully). Being submissive in bed gives your brain and body a chance to destress, let go, and lean into your pleasure. That sounds pretty take-charge to me!

Kait xo

P.S. I  love this manifesto from a fellow take-charge womxn who likes to be submissive in bed.

Featured image by Cora

Get our weekly digest for advice on sex, periods, and life in a female body


Continue the conversation


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *