What is a simultaneous orgasm?
At its most basic, a simultaneous orgasm is when you and your partner experience orgasm at the same time. In common use, it refers to this happening during penis-in-vagina intercourse (PIV).
Why is this such a big deal?
Many of us were raised on a diet of romcoms and romance novels, where the cis, hetero couple reaches their peak at the same time. It’s what we were taught to expect, what we were told is normal.
When we started getting it on, we realized this isn’t always—or even often—the case. Anytime our expectations and our experiences don’t match, it creates stress and a desire to fix the gap. While changing your expectations often leads to more peace, many of us think we have to change our experience.
There’s also the fact that in heterosexual relationships, sex often ends when the partner with a penis experiences orgasm. So the desire for a simultaneous climax may stem in part from wanting to make sure everyone gets theirs before things wrap up.
On a more positive note, simultaneous orgasm can be a deeply connecting experience. Sharing a peak of pleasure requires vulnerability, communication, and intimacy that deepens your bond and releases oodles of feel-good hormones in your body.
Why is it so hard to experience a shared orgasm?
First, there’s the mechanics. Only about a quarter to a third of people with vulvas can experience orgasm during PIV. It’s simply not the best way to stimulate the most sensitive parts of the vulva.
Plus, all partners need to have orgasm control. This includes both the understanding of your point of no return and being able to get to that brink, and not go over the edge.
Lastly, there’s a need for communication—and not just OH GOD I’M COMING dirty talk. All partners need to express what they need to reach orgasm, share when they’re on the brink, and ask for support in pulling back (or going over the edge).
How to experience simultaneous orgasm
- Practice edging when you masturbate. Edging is the practice of bringing yourself to the edge of orgasm, and then pausing. This will help you learn your body, your orgasm, and when to pause or push ahead. Bonus: you’ll experience some hella strong orgasms in the meantime.
- Aim for simultaneous orgasm during mutual masturbation. Mutual masturbation has so many benefits, including letting you practice experiencing orgasm together more easily. Everyone is in control of their own pleasure and orgasm. Just be sure to check-in throughout so you can time your orgasms together
- Practice cumming together during other sex acts too. Again: there’s less pressure plus a higher chance that everyone will experience orgasm.
- Choose intercourse positions that maximize pleasure for every partner. Positions like cowgirl and doggy style are more likely to stimulate the right spots on all bodies, making it easier and more likely to experience orgasm.
- Check-in and adjust course regularly. Share how close you are, how you’re feeling, what you need to get there. If one of you needs to pull back but the other doesn’t, how can you meet that need?
- Don’t be afraid to give yourself a hand. There’s no need to rely solely on the sex act to experience your orgasm. Use hands, toys, or mouths to get whatever stimulation you crave.
- Eye gaze. Want an even deeper connection? Maintain eye contact as you experience orgasm.
- Try, try again. It’s rare for something to work out how you hope the first time you try it. There’s the awkwardness and newness and OMG are we doing this?! If it doesn’t happen right away, give it time and keep trying.
- Don’t let it steal your pleasure. If trying for simultaneous orgasm makes you dread sex or makes it start feeling like work, consider this your permission slip to STOP. Sharing your climax doesn’t make you, your partner(s), or your relationship any more valid or worthy. It’s one more sex act that some people want and some people couldn’t care less about. There are so many fun, sexy things to explore—don’t let this (or anything else) get you down.
Having a simultaneous orgasm isn’t impossible—and it also isn’t required for great sex
Yes, it can feel incredible.
Yes, it can be deeply bonding, a spiritual experience even.
Yes, it can bring feelings of pride and accomplishment, like you’ve unlocked some sexual secret level.
But it’s not the only way to have these things, nor is it a marker by which to judge your sex life or relationship. Focus on maximizing pleasure first and foremost. The rest is all a bonus.