S asks:

I’ve never allowed my partner to go down on me but I’d love to let him do that on his birthday. I need your help on what to do before and after, and how to react.

Hey S—

New sexual experiences are such a fun, intimate gift to give your partner. That being said, I want to first check in about what changed your mind.  I’m not against doing sexual things for a partner—compromise is a key component of any healthy relationship, after all. I also want to make sure that this change of heart feels good to you, and you aren’t doing it because you feel pressured, either by your partner or all the external pressures around what a good relationship and sex “should” look like.

I like to think about a continuum of desire. There are the things that you love to do, ones that you’re OK with, ones you do for your partner that are still within your comfort zone, and things that are a hard no. As long as allowing your partner to go down on you falls into one of those first three categories, then go for it!

6 Oral Sex Tips for Receiving

Like all forms of physical intimacy, you’re the only one who can figure out what will feel good. Here are some suggestions to get you started.

Set an intention to receive pleasure

Society demonizes pleasure as superfluous, unimportant, and selfish, especially for womxn. That can make it hard to enjoy the moment. Address this preemptively by setting an intention to receive pleasure. It might sound a little woo-woo, but what you’re doing is focusing your brain exactly where you want it.

Want more? Check out The Deep Yes: The Lost Art of True Receiving.

Groom, or don’t

It’s a super personal decision. Your partner may have a preference, and god knows society does, but at the end of the day, it’s your body and your choice.

Choose a comfortable position

Here are three popular ones to try:

  • Lying on your back with your knees bent, feet planted, and thighs open
  • Sitting on their face, with a knee on either side of their head
  • On hands and knees, with your back arched

Worried about smell and taste? Try this.

Vaginas are supposed to smell like vaginas, so you can let this worry go. If you still feel self-conscious, here are two things to try.

  • Flavored lube. You want something that tastes good and is free of irritating ingredients like parabens, propylene glycol, glycerin, and sugar alcohols (all of these can increase your risk of irritation and/or infection).
  • Lorals. These single-use, latex panties let you feel the incredible sensations of oral sex without having to worry about how long it’s been since your last shower or if you just came from the gym.

React genuinely

If something feels good, lean into it and express that pleasure. If not, encourage your partner to try something else or go back to doing something you enjoyed. You can say something like, “baby it would feel so good if you…” And, when they hit the right rhythm and spot, “OMG, yes, right there, don’t stop…”

Ditch the distraction

Many of my counseling clients complain about “monkey mind”—when their brain just won’t quit. If this happens, which is very common especially when trying something new, focus on what your senses. Look for five things you see, four things you feel, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste.

For more mindful sex tips, check out this post.

Try, try again

Your first time trying something new, sexually or otherwise, often comes with a bit of awkwardness. That’s OK! It’s also not a great basis to judge how you like that something new. Instead, give it three or four chances before you decide to add it to your repertoire or ditch it.

I hope these oral sex tips help you have an amazing first time! Enjoy.

Kait xo

Featured image by Catalina Morales

Get our weekly digest for advice on sex, periods, and life in a female body


Continue the conversation

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *