…Plus mindful tips for a successful FaceTime connection (wifi not included)
If you’re single right now, chances are you’re either (a) reveling in yourself and your self care, self love rituals, (b) freaking out that you’re never going to be touched by a partner again and wondering when and how you’re going to find your life-mate and have babies. Or, if you’re like me and riding the rollercoaster waves of emotion we’re being handed to on a weekly, daily, sometimes even hourly or minute to minute basis you’re (c) oscillating back and forth between A and B and feeling a bit more than minorly neurotic.
While I can’t tell you how you should feel about your situation, I can tell you to keep feeling. Because everything that bubbles up, the good and the not so good, is important. I would also like to encourage you to write your feelings down and share them with people and maybe even a future partner you feel comfortable with. Because chances are, they (your current or future partner) have experienced a similar feeling in the past two months and even though we can’t bond over IRL activities, intimate time spent in the same room, and sacred touch right now, we can bond over vulnerability, feelings, and stories because word is just as divine.
All feelings aside, no pun intended…okay maybe pun intended, I’m here to talk about finding and cultivating love in quarantine. Can it be done? Surely. Is it easy? Probably not because your future partner isn’t going to be delivered to your doorstep, but were they ever? No, they most certainly were not. Effective dating takes time, energy, and a very full cup that you’ve filled yourself, because you can’t expect anyone to know how to fill your cup if you can’t do it yourself. It always has and it always will. The benefit to virtual dating during quarantiner is that you get to see the full person. Not just the first impression or curated vision of themselves that they want you to see. You get a holistic view of what their life looks like—their good days, their not so good days, their daily rituals, etc. And if you’re lucky you may even get to meet the family on a first or second date. When else would that ever happen aside from if you were a contestant on The Bachelor?
Different types of Virtual Daters
I’ve compiled all the different quarantine daters below and challenge you to make a mental note of what category or categories you fall into. Chances are, if you’re like me, you fall into a couple and that’s great. The important part is to be cognizant of what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and evaluate if it’s getting you where you want to go or just filling space to not feel alone.
- The app user: the one who is endlessly swiping and setting up multiple FaceTime first dates a week.
- The DM slider: I don’t think this one needs an explanation.
- The set up star: the one who’s reaching out to friends and their friends’ S.O.’s to set them up with their next potential love interest.
- The reconnect-er: the one who is reconnecting with all their old flames, including the toxic exes, the ones they matched with months ago but have never dated, and the one-night stands in between.
- The self-dater: the one who can’t be bothered to date and is learning to light their own fire (you go woman!).
Is there one that’s better than the other? Certainly not. We’re living our current human experience to learn from our choices and the impacts they have. That said, I would steer clear of playing out the “reconnect-er” role. Typing this, because I know someone reading needs to hear it: there was a reason it didn’t work out. Though, as I write, I am realizing two things. One, there are nuances to this. And two, because of these nuances, I’m definitely not 100% taking my own advice. While I’ve blocked (both literally and figuratively) men I’ve physically and emotionally dated aka all of my exes, I am totally guilty of circling back to those I connected with and never actually ended up dating.
In fact, two of these men have resurfaced in the past week. I also know I’m not the only one experiencing this as it seems to be a cyclical weekly occurrence. Who else has zombies popping out of their virtual devices? So, as I said previously, reflect, understand the why behind your actions, and decide if it feels like it will be a positive source of energy/light or not. There is no right and wrong. There is only what feels right to you. Also, please don’t ask your friends. Instead, get quiet, go inward, and listen to your soul, maybe your female ancestors, or maybe the light of the divine feminine channeled through you. There are enough “people” to talk to within who know your situation better than your loving, but not “in it” friends.
And with that. I will leave you with some virtual dating tips. Because this is new territory and we could all use some assistance navigating this wild new life!
Virtual Dating Ideas
Months into the pandemic, it’s not always easy to come up with fun and creative Zoom ideas—but it’s not impossible! While a first date may be a good opportunity to keep it short and sweet and find out whether or not you have a connection worth exploring, an activity may be a good idea as you get into dates three, four, etc. Consider a virtual museum tour together, take a cooking or cocktail making class, or play a game together. Make it something that you can build on and fondly reminisce on in the future.
Tips on Avoiding Common Virtual Dating Mistakes
- Be on time. Not early, not late. Being a few minutes early IRL is lovely and appreciated, but being early for a FaceTime is nothing short of awkward or intrusive.
- Popping in for an unplanned FaceTime is also not okay. Just because someone is physically home and capable of answering, doesn’t mean they’re mentally or emotionally available.
- No multitasking. For example: don’t be out walking the dog unless it’s an agreed upon dog walk date (it’s typically hard to hear, service can go in and out, confusing if it’s a video or voice call, etc.), nor should you be making or eating a meal unless it was predetermined to do it together (then by all means go for it, I personally love a ‘cook with me’ virtual date).
- Set an end time if it’s a first date. Have an out so you’re not stuck on the phone for too long. It doesn’t matter if it’s going well, it will leave them wanting more and also ensures a second date.
- Prepare some questions that aren’t about the day or quarantine if you get nervous or uncomfortable on screen. I get it, not everyone is their best self via FaceTime and it’s easy to let your nerves get the better of you. That said, no one wants to talk about their lack of adventures, their monotonous days, or the news right now.
- Don’t talk about work. This is a general dating tip (people are working all day or in this case maybe not at all). If you must know what someone does google them or ask them quickly what their favorite part of what they do is and then move on and reserve your virtual hang out for learning about their inner depths.
- Wear clothing unless it’s a mutually agreed upon FaceTime sex date (and then by all means go into it feeling yourself!). Also, ladies, go light on the makeup, if you must wear any at all. This is the best time to BE YOURSELF.
P.S. if you have a tip I haven’t come up with yet, please do leave it in the comments for the B+M community.